Peril By Streetlight: Chapter 1
Original Serialized Fiction by Joseph Salvatore Knipper
He slouched into that broom closet my lease called an office, two days red stubble on his chin.
“Hiya Dora,” he said.
I gulped down the last of the cheap scotch I had been nursing all morning, and threw the cup at him. He ducked in an endearing way (I've always liked the terrified-for-their-lives-look on a beau) as the tin cup bounced off wall above his head.
“Swipes Wagner, as I live and breath!” I said cheerily, scanning the surface of my desk for something else to throw. I hefted the laughing Buddha I use as a paperweight experimentally. “I had no idea you settled down in this river-stain of a city too. What brings you to my office?” I decided the Buddha was probably too nice to throw, but I kept it at the ready in case I changed my mind.
“Jeez Dora! Is that any way to greet an old friend?”
“Nope,” I said, and threw the Buddha one foot to his left. He dodged anyway. The Buddha hit my bookshelf and knocked a taxidermied monkey onto its face.
“Darnit Dora! I need your help!”
“You got money?”
“That's complicated.”
“No it ain't,” I said. “It's simple stuff. The 1 with the two 0s in the corners are best.”
“Dora...”
“Got a balding, smart-looking fella on them.” After feeling around the the drawers of the desk I found a pencil, but it made for an unintimidating projectile as it careened off his thigh and out the open door.
“Stop throwing things at me! You want money—here!” He took a wallet out of his pocket and held it towards me so that I could see it was engorged with green.
“Alright, now that's a bit different” I was out of ammunition anyway. “Why don't you have a seat and tell me about this help you need.”
“Ummm, I'll stand thanks”
“Well, now never let it be said that I am inhospitable, Swipes. Close the door and have a seat.”
“There ain't any place to sit, Dora.”
“Nonsense, you think those suitcase are in front of my desk as an art deco display? The room only came with one chair”
He closed the door that said “D. Marks, Private Investigator” and perched gingerly on the edge of one of my suitcases.
“A birdy told me you moved to this city, but it was a bit tough finding you. You changed your name? ”
“Unofficially. Dora Márquez made a few enemies back home. People know me as Dee around here, or they will, once they start to know me.” I started to pour myself a scotch, then realized the cup was across the room. Dang Swipes and his little birdy; I had thought I covered my tracks better than that.
“There ain't any place to sit, Dora.”
“Nonsense, you think those suitcase are in front of my desk as an art deco display? The room only came with one chair”
He closed the door that said “D. Marks, Private Investigator” and perched gingerly on the edge of one of my suitcases.
“A birdy told me you moved to this city, but it was a bit tough finding you. You changed your name? ”
“Unofficially. Dora Márquez made a few enemies back home. People know me as Dee around here, or they will, once they start to know me.” I started to pour myself a scotch, then realized the cup was across the room. Dang Swipes and his little birdy; I had thought I covered my tracks better than that.
“Sorry to hear that Dora. How is everyone back home?”
“You came here to make small talk?” I asked around a gulp from the bottle.
“I need a moment to calm my nerves and collect my thoughts,” he said. “Ummm, Old Blue ever retire?”
“Yep! And let me tell you, the cops ain't worth half as much without him. Nobody could sniff out a clue like Blue.”
“Eh, you and Harriet could give him a run for his money. I know from experience. How is Harriet?”
“Spook for OSS. Haven't heard from her since all the political noise started across the pond”
“I need a moment to calm my nerves and collect my thoughts,” he said. “Ummm, Old Blue ever retire?”
“Yep! And let me tell you, the cops ain't worth half as much without him. Nobody could sniff out a clue like Blue.”
“Eh, you and Harriet could give him a run for his money. I know from experience. How is Harriet?”
“Spook for OSS. Haven't heard from her since all the political noise started across the pond”
“Hot Dog! Are you pulling my leg?” he asked. I shook my head. “Well, good for her. She always wanted to do that. And your family?”
“No news is good news”
“What about ol' Dipsy?”
“Didn't you need my help with something rather urgent?”
“Right, right. Okay...where to begin?” He took a breath. “I after I hightailed it out of the old homestead a heartbeat ahead of the arrest warrant...” He paused to give me a kicked puppy look.
“You're welcome for that,” I interjected chipperly.
“...well, anyway, I hung my hat up on the rough side of the street here. I was paying my way with odd jobs until I met a lady friend who ran a hostel. We got married and---”
I sprayed the desk with my mouthful of scotch. “Ha! You! Married? You don't have to dress it up with pretty lies; just tell me the bare facts, Swipes.”
"I ain't lying, Dora. I got married. People do that sometimes”
“Ha! What's her name?”
“Ingrid. Was Ingrid. She died”
I paused with the bottle halfway to my mouth. “George Washington on a motorbike! You're dead serious, aren't you?”
“Yes, Dora, I'm 'dead' serious. Cancer o' the pancreas. Went quick. Didn't have long to suffer. But it was bad.”
“Dang, I'm sorry Swipes.”
“No news is good news”
“What about ol' Dipsy?”
“Didn't you need my help with something rather urgent?”
“Right, right. Okay...where to begin?” He took a breath. “I after I hightailed it out of the old homestead a heartbeat ahead of the arrest warrant...” He paused to give me a kicked puppy look.
“You're welcome for that,” I interjected chipperly.
“...well, anyway, I hung my hat up on the rough side of the street here. I was paying my way with odd jobs until I met a lady friend who ran a hostel. We got married and---”
I sprayed the desk with my mouthful of scotch. “Ha! You! Married? You don't have to dress it up with pretty lies; just tell me the bare facts, Swipes.”
"I ain't lying, Dora. I got married. People do that sometimes”
“Ha! What's her name?”
“Ingrid. Was Ingrid. She died”
I paused with the bottle halfway to my mouth. “George Washington on a motorbike! You're dead serious, aren't you?”
“Yes, Dora, I'm 'dead' serious. Cancer o' the pancreas. Went quick. Didn't have long to suffer. But it was bad.”
“Dang, I'm sorry Swipes.”
He shrugged. “Anyway, its a bit of a tangle, but she had a daughter. My stepdaughter now, and the sweetest thing” I must have been giving him some look, but he continued, “She's ehhh, touched in the head. Docs say she'll never talk. But she's mine. And I was beginning to think that this wouldn't be such a bad life. Living clean, running the hostel, taking care of a daughter, all that.”
“But then her real dad reared his ugly head,” I guessed.
“Dang, you're good at this Dora. Yah, he's a real mean drunk. See, even though they were never married, he and Ingrid owned the hotel fifty-fifty. Before she died, he was happy to take half the money and drink it away. But now, he wants Natasha too.”
“Let me guess on the rest. The hostel wasn't bringing in enough money to win at court, so you decided to take a big job, bigger than you've done before, for somebody with deep pockets”
“Yah, goes by the moniker of B.B, and he runs my whole neighborhood. Wanted this fancy Italian painting stolen from this museum. Paid a quarter of the money up front.”
“And you couldn't get it”
“You wound me, Dora. I burgled it without a hitch. But B.B. he told me to keep it at my place for a few days until the heat died down. The cops know he's behind everything around here, and they'd go to him first. But ummm...here's where things get really embarrassing...” I gestured for him to continue. “Well, the next night, I left Natasha at a neighbor's and went to a fancy uptown place to celebrate. I had a bit too much to drink, and forgot where I was and...”
“Shoot or sugar! You mouthed off, didn't you?”
“But then her real dad reared his ugly head,” I guessed.
“Dang, you're good at this Dora. Yah, he's a real mean drunk. See, even though they were never married, he and Ingrid owned the hotel fifty-fifty. Before she died, he was happy to take half the money and drink it away. But now, he wants Natasha too.”
“Let me guess on the rest. The hostel wasn't bringing in enough money to win at court, so you decided to take a big job, bigger than you've done before, for somebody with deep pockets”
“Yah, goes by the moniker of B.B, and he runs my whole neighborhood. Wanted this fancy Italian painting stolen from this museum. Paid a quarter of the money up front.”
“And you couldn't get it”
“You wound me, Dora. I burgled it without a hitch. But B.B. he told me to keep it at my place for a few days until the heat died down. The cops know he's behind everything around here, and they'd go to him first. But ummm...here's where things get really embarrassing...” I gestured for him to continue. “Well, the next night, I left Natasha at a neighbor's and went to a fancy uptown place to celebrate. I had a bit too much to drink, and forgot where I was and...”
“Shoot or sugar! You mouthed off, didn't you?”
“Yah, started bragging, and this Argentinian gal—you should have seen her; well, I guess you wouldn't care, but she was a knockout—seemed real interested in the details of the heist and the painting I stole. Started asking me all these questions, and buying me drinks, and I took her back home. I don't think we actually ummm, got too friendly after all, because I definitely would have remembered that with someone like her, no matter how much I had. I blacked out right as we got in the door, and when I woke up the painting was gone.”
“Here,” I said, thrusting the bottle at him. “You're brain's already dead, so your liver might as well join it.”
He didn't reach for the bottle. “I need your help Dora. B.B.'s gonna kill me.”
“Give him the money back. You can't have spent that much on one night of partying.”
“Here,” I said, thrusting the bottle at him. “You're brain's already dead, so your liver might as well join it.”
He didn't reach for the bottle. “I need your help Dora. B.B.'s gonna kill me.”
“Give him the money back. You can't have spent that much on one night of partying.”
“I could do that, but all that means is he'd shoot me rather than skin me. It's the painting he wants, not the money.”
“So what do you need from me?”
“I need you to find the painting. I can pay you from B.B.'s advance. Heck, you can have all of B.B.'s advance. The rest will be enough for the court fees. I just want to keep my life and my daughter”
“You really think you are responsible enough to take care any daughter, never mind a mute one? You just made a pretty strong case that you're not.”
“I could be. I would be. Given a chance, I'll be the best damn papa she could have.”
“From what you tell me that's a low bar”
“I get drunk once in a blue moon, Dora. He's drunk every day. Which would you want her raised by, if you were her mama's spirit looking down?”
“Pirates and peg-legs! Fine! But we're not gonna do it your way. We're gonna do it mine.”
“How do you mean?”
“We're gonna start by seeing B.B. and telling him what happened.”
He went pale. “He'll kill me, Dora. Why would you want to do that?”
“One, because if he's as well connected as you say, we'll need his help to find it. Two, because he'll probably find out before I find the painting, and then we'll have him on our tails. And three, since my reputation has apparently preceded me here (despite my best efforts), he'll be happy to have me on the case.”
“I need you to find the painting. I can pay you from B.B.'s advance. Heck, you can have all of B.B.'s advance. The rest will be enough for the court fees. I just want to keep my life and my daughter”
“You really think you are responsible enough to take care any daughter, never mind a mute one? You just made a pretty strong case that you're not.”
“I could be. I would be. Given a chance, I'll be the best damn papa she could have.”
“From what you tell me that's a low bar”
“I get drunk once in a blue moon, Dora. He's drunk every day. Which would you want her raised by, if you were her mama's spirit looking down?”
“Pirates and peg-legs! Fine! But we're not gonna do it your way. We're gonna do it mine.”
“How do you mean?”
“We're gonna start by seeing B.B. and telling him what happened.”
He went pale. “He'll kill me, Dora. Why would you want to do that?”
“One, because if he's as well connected as you say, we'll need his help to find it. Two, because he'll probably find out before I find the painting, and then we'll have him on our tails. And three, since my reputation has apparently preceded me here (despite my best efforts), he'll be happy to have me on the case.”
Swipes took a nervous breath. “Okay. Okay. Alright. We'll try that. I just hope you are feeling persuasive.”
“Why Swipes,” I said, baring my teeth while standing to loom over the desk, “when have you known me to not get my way?”
“Fair, fair.” Another breath. “Alright, let's do this. Just like old times, eh?”
“Hardly,” I said, strapping on a holster and grabbing my jacket. “Let's go.”
“Why Swipes,” I said, baring my teeth while standing to loom over the desk, “when have you known me to not get my way?”
“Fair, fair.” Another breath. “Alright, let's do this. Just like old times, eh?”
“Hardly,” I said, strapping on a holster and grabbing my jacket. “Let's go.”
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This is a work of parody based on characters not owned by Joseph Salvatore Knipper, but all original aspects are owned by Joseph Salvatore Knipper. Thanks for reading. Please don't forget to follow our Facebook page and subscribe to this blog.
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